it's been several weeks since you moved to another office. it's been several weeks of asia shift and it has been a lot tiring for me. it's easy to get lost inside a looong task... i don't know if i have started to make a direction for my life or i have just been lost in the flow of things. it's easy to get lost track of time when there's so many things to do. even my weekends have lots of plans in them. i find myself feeling disappointed during check points that meet me in the eye saying "hey you, you have several things planned out. stop wasting time and start focusing on what you want." i have finally told you my secret fear, my secret regret. but im still firm on my word. it's just something in the present, i know that whatever we have now will never be in the future.

i hope i know what im doing. i miss you.

SONG: two is better than one - boys like girls
BOOK: brida - paolo coelho
IM FEELING: contemplative

{ snap! }

i can't wait to watch '500 days of summer.' it seems such a pretty movie, something that would tug your heartstrings as well as make you remember all the familiar memories. yesterday was unexpected... i guess it's more fun when you aren't worrying about typecasts, and definitions. i like it, when you enjoy just the company of a person without minding them terms. watching the trailer of '500 days of summer' i could understand perfectly what summer was trying to say... "we're young, we might as well have all the fun while we can." it's such a tragedy though, i feel warped since i know at the tip of my brain that our story is doomed to die. we would just stay friends in the end. and this is like a double-edged sword: on one hand, im carefree since i know it's just the best way to enjoy the moment, on the other hand, i think im keeping myself from enjoying our afternoons too much because i know ill miss you. ill miss you... and it's not a nice feeling because there's no good reason for it, just prejudice from other people. not enough reason, but forceful enough. i guess id always remember these afternoons. and the weekends.

People moving all the time
Inside a perfectly straight line
Don't you wanna curve away?
When it's such…
It's such a perfect day
It's such a perfect day

Now the sky could be blue
I don't mind
Without you it's a waste of time...

SONG: strawberry swing - coldplay
BOOK: middlesex - jeffrey eugenides
IM FEELING: guilty

{ snap! }

On Tuesday, I was reminded by God who I could have been now. While browsing for cookbooks in Powerbooks Shangrila, I bumped into Joe, a merit scholar for physics. He's going to be attending Wharton UPenn by September and when he asked about the plans I had before... I reminded myself of who I could have been today... I could have been studying now in Paris. and so I reopened my acceptance letter from Universite Paris Sud 11 and I felt a burst of deep emptiness. I wanted to bring myself back to three months ago when I was still deciding what to do in my immediate future. I felt disappointed that I left everything away--calculating adjoint matrices, understanding dirac notations, reading about the structure of things... They feel so up there in the sky so far away from where real life happens. I have to say goodbye for good to what could have been. Im really sad about this.

SONG: your new twin sized bed - deathcab for cutie
IM FEELING: disappointed

{ snap! }